Various Pizza Cartoons

February 8, 2010

One of the posts that consistently brings me hits via Google is my list of Less Famous Time Travel Paradoxes, not because it’s hilarious and insightful, but because I stole a cartoon of a slice of pizza and used it to accompany the article.

This is the slice of pizza in question:

This picture has sent more Googlers my way than dozens of insightful and hilarious posts.

Ever since I posted this guy, I’ve received a steady stream of hits from Googlers using Google Images, where my website is in the top row of results for the term “pizza cartoon.”

Now, make no mistake. I’m not complaining. Quite the contrary: I’m just setting the scene so the Faithful will understand why I’m about to post a collection of hilarious pizza cartoons I found online so that future Googlers can consider this site their one stop shop for all their pizza cartoon needs.

Okay, judging by the TM next to the pizza-slice-man’s foot, I’m guessing some of these images are owned by someone else. So, if you own one of these lovely pizza pictures, and you want me to take it off my website, just send me an email and I’ll comply.

But, I think you should know, there’s about a million other websites using these exact same pictures, especially of that pizza slice guy, who’s got to be one of the most popular stolen items on the Internet that isn’t an MP3 of “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Man, that’s an old reference. Maybe I’ll think of something funnier later and change it. I’ll probably get rid of this paragraph, too, and not say anything about it, either.


What Bowl is Bigger than the Superbowl?

February 7, 2010

This one:


Four Awesome Things that Happened Today

February 6, 2010

Wow. What a day. Four Awesome Things happened yesterday, and I wrote about it here, but then set it to publish today because I already had something written for yesterday.

Awesome Thing Number One: I drove into town today with Kara and I read this Stephen King short story called N. It’s written in the style of those Oliver Sacks books like The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.

The King story was sort of like H.P. Lovecraft + Rainman.

Basically, a guy’s OCD keeps nameless monsters at bay. I had actually read the first half of it a couple weeks ago while I was falling asleep, and it was terrifying then, but reading it yesterday, it was a little predictable and not as scary as I remembered. Still, Stephen King is always good, so, awesome thing number one!

Awesome Thing Number Two: It snowed today, and Kara and I are such snewbies (that’s snow-newbies) on account of having been born and raised in Arkansas that we decided it would be awesome to take Eva out on a walk. And it turns out . . . it was.

Here is a picture of Eva and Kara in the snow:

We were going to take more. In fact, the picture above depicts Kara walking over to a perfect place to take more pictures. Then we lured Eva over with half of one of her favorite treats (a Snausage: they’re like crack). But right when the two of them were in place and smiling, and I was holding up the iPhone to take a picture, this happened:

Bam! Phone’s dead. It was the worst. We spent the rest of the day walking around the park saying, “Oh, there would be a good place for a picture . . . There would be a good place for a picture . . . Oh, look how beautiful that would have been.”

I searched online for something that was comparable, and I think this comes close:

(If you would like to make paintings of your own like this, you can read this Vanity Fair article.)

Awesome Thing Number Three: Everything was going great on the walk until Eva Dog noticed something in the woods and started barking. At first, Kara and I kept telling her to hush, but then we saw what she was barking at.

Stepping out of the woods was some kind of winter bigfoot, a snowy sasquatch, a Yuletide Yeti. Unfortunately, on account of my camera dying, I was unable to capture footage of the famed beast, but the closest thing I could find online was this:

Anyway, at first I was hoping it would just do a cool walk-by-and-look-over-its-shoulder-at-us like in the famous Patterson footage.

But I don’t know if it was territorial or if Eva Dog barking at it caused it to get angry (this wouldn’t be the first time she got us into a fight we didn’t want), but it turned and roared at us, and that was pretty terrifying, so I turned and took off.

“No, don’t run away!” Kara shouted, but I could barely hear her over the sound of me running away. “That’ll just cause it to chase you!”

Which seemed like a pretty obvious thing to say, because I mean, if I’m running away, I’m pretty much expecting whatever it is I’m running from to chase me. That’s why I’m not walking away.

But maybe she had a point, because the creature was on me in a second and he grabbed me with his giant, furry snow monster hands and threw me over his shoulder. “He’s gonna eat me!” I shouted to Kara, and to Eva Dog–I guess, though since the creature attacked us, she hadn’t been nearly so aggressive toward it. Now she realized that it was a giant fucking monster that could eat all three of us.

So I’m flailing my arms and legs and pounding on the bigfoot’s back with my fists, but the beast doesn’t seem to care, probably because it weighs like ten times more than me and is used to living outdoors while I sleep on a mattress + 2 mattress pads. So my odds of escape aren’t looking too high.

And that’s when Kara–thank God–did the one thing I never would have thought to do: she rolled up a hunk of snow around a rock (usually a cheap strategy but acceptable in life-or-death situations) and hurled it at the beast.

It whizzed by my head and struck the sasquatch square in it’s back. “Direct hit!” I shouted. The bigfoot apparently decided that the appropriate retaliation for a snowball attack was to hurl me at Kara, which is exactly what happened.

As I was flying through the air, I remember thinking that I was glad I wore a scarf. I landed at Kara’s feet in the snow, which luckily broke my fall, but unfortunately managed to cover every square inch of exposed skin. I looked back at the snowman, and it had apparently decided that we were more trouble than we were worth, because it was walking back into the woods.

And Eva Dog, now certain that the danger had subsided, started barking at it again. Thankfully, it just kept walking.

So, I say surviving an attack by a snow monster is pretty awesome, wouldn’t you?

Awesome Thing Number Four: Before the walk, we went to Pickleman’s, which has great sandwiches!


Some of the Craziest, Weirdest, and Most Contradictary Bible Verses I Could Find

February 5, 2010

Here they are, arranged for maximum affect without commentary. (All quotes are from the New International Version.)

Psalms 104:5 He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.

Matthew 5:22But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Luke 11:40You foolish people!

Matthew 23:17You blind fools!

Leviticus 19:27 Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.

Deuteronomy 23:1 No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD.

Leviticus  20:18 If a man lies with a woman during her monthly period and has sexual relations with her, he has exposed the source of her flow, and she has also uncovered it. Both of them must be cut off from their people.

Ezekiel 23:20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Leviticus 19:19 Keep my decrees. ‘Do not mate different kinds of animals. ‘Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

1 Timothy 2:9 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes.

Leviticus 11:10 But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales–whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water–you are to detest.

Leviticus 11:7-8 And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.

John 9:39 Jesus said, “For judgment I have come into this world

John 12:47 For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it

2 Kings 2:23-24 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Ecclesiastes 10: 19 A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything.


Mistakes to Avoid on Valentine’s Day

February 4, 2010

Here at Greg Karber’s iBlogopedia, we’re committed to helping our readers navigate the treacherous waters of romantic life. That’s why we conducted a survey of over six-thousand relationship experts (psychologists, sex addicts, writers for Reader’s Digest, octogenarians celebrating their Golden Anniversary, Dr. Phil and his ilk, priests?, players, playettes, cougars, and serial daters) on what were the biggest mistakes you could make on Valentine’s Day.

1. Forgetting it.

Our experts agree, the biggest mistake you can make on Valentine’s Day is failing to remember it exists. And unlike anniversaries and birthdays, you have no excuse: there are signs up everywhere reminding you. (And unlike Thanksgiving and Easter, it falls on the same day every year.)

2. Massacring People.

When Al Capone ordered the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre to eliminate Bugs Moran, he failed to consider the impact said massacre would have on his relationship. Scholars have reached the general consensus that Capone “didn’t get any” on that day or any of the three subsequent days.

Additionally, our panel of experts has reached a broad consensus (which is two levels above a “general consensus”) that, while massacring people on Valentine’s Day seems like a great attention grabber, killing people doesn’t just kill them, it kills the mood, as well.

3. Buying chocolates that your significant other is allergic to.

Avoid peanuts if your significant other has extreme allergic reactions to peanuts, for example. Also, our panel agrees that giving your significant other poisonous chocolates is almost as bad, but at least you didn’t forget something about them.

4. Purchasing lingerie.

Nobody likes it if you imply that they’re fat. Buying over-sized lingerie tells the person you’re with that you thought they were fatter–even if you have no idea how the sizes work. To make matters worse, if you buy lingerie that’s too small, the person will be reminded of actual, non-presumed fat. This is even worse.

Additionally, purchasing sexy lingerie may be viewed as a present for yourself, while purchasing functional lingerie is just a bad Valentine’s Day present. That is why our six-thousand person team overwhelming recommends that you avoid this trap and just go with chocolates, roses, jewelery, love poems, or roller-rink song dedications.

Alternatively, purchasing sexy lingerie for yourself–especially if it’s uncomfortable–can be considered–paradoxically–to be an excellent gift.

5. Waiting until the last minute to get reservations.

If you wait until one minute before your dinner to get a reservation, you probably won’t be able to. That’s just common sense, people.


Top 5 Lady GaGa Rumors

December 12, 2009

Subject of more rumors than the latest iPhone

1. That she is a man.

2. That her real name is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

2. That she killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

3. That she choked to death on a ham sandwich and was replaced by the winner of Paul McCartney look-alike contest.

4. That she purchased the elephant man’s bones for use in her latest stage show.

5. That her head is cryogenically frozen and stored underneath Space Mountain.


New Tiger Woods Mistress Announced

December 11, 2009

Tiger Woods is just to the left of this picture, I swear. I'm holding his hand. Trust me.

In light of the news that Tiger Woods may have had as many as 15 mistresses, I felt that it was only appropriate that I made a statement of my own.

I was one of Tiger Woods’s mistresses. Or, I guess, manstress would be the word that I would use, because I’m trying to retain a little bit of my dignity that he stole from me when he lied and said that I was the only one.

“The only one other than your wife?” I had asked at the time, just wanting to be sure.

“The only one.”

“The only other one.”

“That’s correct.”

I felt like we had something together that no one else did. He said that I was the green on his golf course and that me and him would be together forever or at least until he was no longer famous and I dumped him.

Also, I wanted to give an official statement on our sex just like all the other mistresses have done. I want to assure you: it was so crazy, we used to do it on anti-psychotics (Ambien is for losers). As regarding his penis, lemme just say that he used a novelty golf-club cover in the shape of an actual tiger as a condom.

I am wishing him and his family the best of luck with all of this unless he wants to continue sleeping with me, in which case screw his family and also I never said any of this.

[Edit: Unfortunately, as a result of this post, I have lost my Save the Children sponsorship. Fuck them. I never said I was a role model.]


A Brief Dialogue between the Tortoise and the Guru

November 23, 2009

The tortoise probably looked something like this.

“You know,” said the Guru, “there’s nothing better than Eternal Happiness.”

“What about a leaf of lettuce?” asked the Tortoise, who was quite fond of the shrubbery.

“A leaf of lettuce isn’t nearly as good as Eternal Happiness.”

“But it’s better than nothing, right?”

The Guru shrugged. “Yeah, I guess it’s better than nothing, but–”

“So if a leaf of lettuce is better than nothing, and nothing is better than Eternal Happiness, then by simple logic, a leaf of lettuce must be better than Eternal Happiness!” And with that, the Tortoise munched a large chunk of lettuce. “Mmm-hmm,” he said.

“I think you’re missing the point,” said the Guru.

“I think you are,” said the Turtle, who was chewing in preparation to swallow.


The Un-Guarantee

November 23, 2009

“It’s not un-guaranteed,” she said to me.

“Does that mean I’ll get a guarantee?” I asked.

“No, but it doesn’t mean you won’t, either.”

“I see.”

“We haven’t explicitly stated that you won’t be getting a guarantee.”

“But will I?”

“I won’t say no.”

“But will you say yes?”

“Definitely not no, but yes?”

“Yes?”

“Maybe.”


The Guy Who Invented McNuggets

November 19, 2009

Man, I have got to start watching The Wire. The dialogue in this clip is top-notch, and the message is there, too.

EDIT: The chicken nugget was actually invented in the 1950s by Robert C. Baker, a food science professor at Cornell University, and it was published as an unpatented academic work. It was merely one of his more than 40 innovations involving poultry, turkey, and cold cuts. Among them were the development of revolutionary way to bind breading to chicken, co-inventing the chicken de-boning machine, and inventing the turkey and chicken hotdogs.

He is known as the “Thomas Edison” of poultry, and his name and life’s work are enshrined in the American Poultry Hall of Fame, where he will live on forever or at least until the chicken museum runs out of money.

Chicken McNuggets, on the other hand, were developed by Tyson Chicken on commission for McDonald’s in 1979, and first released in 1980. Baker’s inovations allowed the nugget-maker to shape the nuggets however they pleased, and McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets come in three shapes: the “Tombstone,” the “Boot,” and the “Circle.”

It seems, as theorized in above clip for The Wire, that the only people who made any real money off the nugget are the people on top. Go figure.

(Information used in this article comes, as always, from Wikipedia. Specifically, the articles on chicken nuggets, Chicken McNuggets, and Robert C. Baker himself.)